Miranda Lambert has a song called “The House That Built Me” I have shared the lyrics
I know they say you can’t go home again
I just had to come back one last time
Ma’am, I know you don’t know me from Adam
But these hand prints on the front steps are mine
Up those stairs in that little back bedroom
Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar
And I bet you didn’t know under that live oak
My favorite dog is buried in the yard
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in, I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me
Mama cut out pictures of houses for years
From “Better Homes and Garden” magazine
Plans were drawn and concrete poured
And nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama’s dream
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in, I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me
Basically, she shares about going home and having memories that built her into who she is today. When I think of this song and my childhood I actually think of the houses that hurt me. Because I endured mental/emotional/verbal/sexual abuse every house I remember living in or visiting those are the memories I have.
Don’t get me wrong I definitely have great memories. But when I went back to the house I lived in from Kindergarten to 8th grade the memory that flooded back was being molested by the family friend. A few years ago I drove down the street that my aunt lived on. As I stared at the house the memory of my cousin raping me flooded back.
The only location that I can’t visit is Camp Humphreys Korea where the gang rape happened. I think that is for the best that I can not visit it. Because of all my abuse, that is the hardest one to go to that location because I had to walk home after the rape. I can vividly remember the numb feeling as I walked in silence back to my room not saying anything to the person that walked me back.
But you know even as I am typing this up I realize that sure these locations did have a contribution to the person that I have become but they do not define me. Just like I said earlier in this post that I had good memories at those locations too. So I guess what I need to do is recondition my thought process. When I think of those places and think of the bad memory then I need to make every effort to quickly think of a good memory of those locations. It will be a process but I think I can do it.
Take Care. Much Love
