Session 8
I know I have said it before but I am going to say it again. WOW THIS PE THERAPY IS MINDBLOWING
I never could imagine 11 years into therapy that there was more digging, cleaning out wounds and healing to be done.
But by the end of the session each week my mind is blown again. A new thing comes up. It’s funny right before we did the imaginal (basically going back to that event and talking through what happened) this week my Sacred Swan (finally gave her a name) was just preparing me to start the imaginal. She mentioned that she would guide me
At that moment I told her to do her thing. Because of the way she coaches me it helps me to dig deeper and to talk about different details of the gang rape.
So we begin the imaginal and I start going into details talking about everything. About every 5 minutes, she asks what my “temperature” is and how I am feeling. She has also challenged me to ask what my body is feeling at that time
Unprovoked I started to try and get in touch with my 5 senses. I try to tune into the sounds in the room. What noises I hear. I try to connect with what I see.
I begin telling her that I can’t really hear a distinct conversation. I just hear mumbling and noise of the TV. But I can’t really make out a conversation. I have mentioned in previous sessions that I can’t make out any distinct description of anyone that raped me. In this session, I also make mention of that. I talk about trying to remember details of who was in the room before the rape happen. That all the details that I knew about disappeared during the rape.
As I am trying to get in tune with my 5 senses
It’s like my brain is at a high loud idle and it just can’t take in any information about details and information because my pain is way past my tolerance
That is so mindblowing that this information came up. So crazy. As hard as PE Therapy is I am so glad that it is going on because I really need these breakthroughs. I told my sacred swan that I really don’t care about the research she is conducting. All that matters is the healing that will come from this therapy.
I have always blamed myself for drinking. “If you were not drunk then maybe you would remember details of the soldiers involved” I know that I am not to blame for what happen that night. And this new revelation lets me know that I could have been 100% coherent and that would not have matters. I had an overstimulation of my senses so I could not concentrated on the details.
I feel like this is just the tip of the iceberg. I look forward to what ever else comes up because I know it will help me heal deeper.
To GOD Be The GLORY. Take Care Much Love
