Session 10
My Sacred Swan and I agree that the day after the MST is as important if not more important. I had such a difficult time writing this out. (Took about 4 weeks to finally approach it and to actually write it.)
I nervous to realize that I am about to share something that I have never talked about
So here it is. Warninng it is very grafic. I share this not to get attention but I share it to let people know how difficult it is to wake up the next day after such a horrific event. Please read with caution
I am scared
I wake up to the sound of my alarm going off. I go to rollover and feel excruciating pain in my body I get up out of bed get my robe on. I looked at my clothes that are laying on the floor.
I pick up my underwear and noticed that my underwear is completely drenched in liquids. They tell a story of the night before.
The blood is evidence of the violence of the gang rape. This gives an idea of what my body went through the night before. My body was pushed through so much pain that skin and tissue were torn so bad that blood poured out of my body.
This underwear held the DNA and bodily fluid of numerous violators from the night before. If only I had the courage to take myself and this underwear to the police station to report it.
There is probably urine in this underwear also. Because of the amount of alcohol, I had drunk I either peed my pants or I peed a little after getting my clothes on as my body’s way of trying to rid myself of the bodily fluids that were inside of me
This underwear also has a foul odor. They smell like all 3 of these fluids’ blood/semen/urine. I grab them up and throw them in my wall locker. I don’t even want to touch them anymore. The longer I hold them the more I feel connected to last night and I want to distance myself as far away from last night as I can.
I am feeling
Betrayed/rejected. /Heartbroken/humiliated/appalled
I get up off the bed it takes everything in me to push myself off that bed and to stand up. I put my robe on I gather up my personal hygiene items and I head to the bathroom I’m feeling more pain in my back my pelvic region in my legs it takes everything in me to try and to make it down the hallway to the bathroom Pain is just shooting through my body
I finally make it into the bathroom, and I go to the mirror to survey the injury to my face I look in the mirror and see that my lip is swollen it’s cracked and there is dried blood on my lip and on my teeth.
This is the first physical evidence that I see from the night before. This maybe an injury that happened after the gang rape was over. But it is the first proof that last night really happened. Unfortunately, it was not a dream.
Seeing my lip in the mirror also reminds me that the moment my lip smacked the tree is when I snapped back into reality.
My heart is racing as I make every effort to wipe up the blood and to clean my face up. I brush my teeth very hard and for a long time trying to remove all the blood and taste of stale alcohol from my mouth.
Reality is continuing to set in I am not going to be able to ignore what happened last night. Because people are going to be asking me all day what happened. I have decided that I am going to tell them that I was playing football and smacked into a tree. I convince myself that this is a believable story since my co-workers know I am clumsy so it will not be hard for them to believe the fact that I was not paying attention and smacked into a tree.
I am the bent over and feeling more pain in my pelvic region I finally get my face cleaned up and I head to the toilet
I am feeling weak. I was not strong enough to prevent this from happening.
I am feeling in despair. As everything sets in.
I am feeling paralyzed; I am not wanting to move. I am realizing this is my new normal. I just want to go to bed and act like this never happened.
I make my way to the toilet stall and go to sit down there still pain in my pelvic region as I go to wipe. It feels as though I’m wiping with sandpaper, I noticed on the toilet paper that it is like a light spotting I dab my vaginal area to dry it all and look in the toilet and even my urine is a light pink color. I flush the toilet and will myself to make my way over to the shower area
I get into the shower. The hot water feels so good against my body. I made the water as hot as I could stand it. I just want to make last night disappear. So, I am washing my body with large amounts of bath gel aggressively and repeatedly I scrubbed my skin so much I couldn’t scrub anymore I wash my vaginal area I repeatedly dug inside my vaginal area To clean out everything that was inside me I felt like I was in the shower forever just washing my body over and over again washing my hair washing my legs and my arms and as much pain, as I am in this, was the most active that I had been just trying to get everything of them off of me . I am trying to erase all memories of the night before
I get done washing and I I just let the water run over me as I cried as hard as I could in the shower just letting the pain running down my body from the tears and the water of the shower. I feel like the water ran cold and that was the reason why I got out I stand there for a while I get done with the shower. I finally get done in the shower and I dry off
I’m feeling desperate and feeling hurt I’m feeling anguish and feeling anger and feeling despair and feeling hurt and I’m feeling alone
The pain is returning everything is hurting my shoulders are hurting now my thighs are so burning my back is hurting just feeling really sore my vagina area is still feeling sore when I try to dry off I get my robe back on and I head back down the hallway to my room I put on my deodorant and body spray hoping that this would cover up any smell that might be left on my body. I also put on some baby powder especially in my vaginal area hoping it would absorb any smell or discharge that may come out of my virginal area.
I start to get ready for work I put on my uniform my shirt my undershirt my BDU jacket. everything is so sore as I try to bend over trying to lace up my boots, I just feel so much pain as I am bent over my pelvic region
I get done with my boots and get up. My back and thighs are really aching and tense.
I begin to get my hair done. I brush through my hair and start to feel pain in the back of my head as I pull tight on my hair to put it in a bun. I start to feel pain shoot to the temple of my head. I try to figure out why my head is hurting. I don’t know how I hit my head, but I know it is from the night before. I don’t spend a lot of time trying to retrace last night. I want to forget it. So, I quickly try to get my hat on. even trying to raise my arms above my head my shoulders just hurts so bad I finally get my BDU hat On and I’m ready to face the day
I am feeling anxiety and feeling scared I don’t know what lies in front of me as I go to work, I’m feeling uncertain
And at that moment as I walk out the door and close the door, I’m determined to leave last night at my barracks room I tried to l fight against the pain of my body and walk and carry myself like nothing happened. The pressure of having my BDU cap on is feeling tight against my head but I’m am determined to walk down this hallway go downstairs and across the parking lot to morning formation and do my best to forget about last night
So, I get to formation I act like everything’s fine I noticed that a few people have noticed my busted lip I really try to ignore anybody unless I am asked directly
It hurt so bad to stand in formation trying to remain tight in an upright position every muscle in my body hurts and is aching
As I’m in formation I notice the open field in front of me. I noticed in the distance the barracks. It is the barracks where the gang rape happened last night. I’m trying to keep together as I look across this field trying to remain strong. My throat gets dried. My heart starts to beat faster and through my chest. I feel the urgency of my body wanting to break down and cry. I don’t remember anything that was said. I am just going through the motions of what a typical formation is like. I am not present in the formation. My head is swimming. Thoughts and memories of last night are racing through my head. I don’t have long to think when I hear “FALL OUT”
Thank goodness formation is over and it’s time for us to go in to work and I am just hurting so bad so I get in and sit in my office chair and for the remainder of the day I very much kind of scoot around to where I needed to go I tried to remain calm few people did end up asking about what happens with my lip and I give the story I came up with earlier. I joked about it and told them I was playing football and ran into a tree and nobody really thought anything of it or investigated the situation any deeper and luckily today is Friday so I was able to complete the day and I went back to my barracks room and pretty much vegetated for the rest of the evening and even the rest of the weekend probably watch some TV and probably went to Burger King to eat ultimate lying in bed and I stayed in my room and probably cried for some of it but I really did not want to dwell on what happened that Thursday night I was really trying to put it behind me
To GOD Be The GLORY. Take Care Much Love
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