About 2 years ago I was sitting at home probably watching tv. My phone rang and my sister’s name showed up on the screen. She rarely calls me so I knew it was a phone call I needed to answer.
I answer the phone. I don’t remember the exact conversation but basically, she told me that our Aunt Blair (Wilber’s Mom) had had a heart attack, she was initially pronounced dead since the EMT’s could not find a pulse. But when they arrived at the hospital a pulse was found. But since she went so long without life-prolonging measures (CPR & medication) her prognosis was slim. She was put in a medically induced coma to attempt to give a better chance of life. She ended up passing away about a month later.
I hate to admit it but My initial thought was “Now Wilber can imagine what pain is” I could not understand that initial reaction. Luckily I did not vocalize it to my sister. I luckily was able to stop that thought and realize that that was so mean to even think. My aunt did not deserve to suffer and go through pain like that. I also had to realize that Wilber was not the only one suffering. His sister Jeanette was also going through pain. Especially because she is the one that found Aunt Blair unconscious, called the ambulance and had begun CPR on her.
I had to do a lot of soul-search, praying, processing and talking it out to resolve that bitterness. Every year I write a letter to him and my other violators, so I always thought that I was in active healing. So these feelings of bitterness took me by surprise. I really had to work through them.
When my mom called me to let me know that Aunt Blair passed away a month after her heart attack I was still working through my bitterness. I was so unsure if I could go to the funeral. I did not think I could pay condolences to Wilber. I knew I could pay condolences to Jeanette, and I could pay respects to my Aunt. My mom let me know the date of the funeral. I was off that day but I had a road trip planned that could not be rescheduled.
After talking to my therapist I came to accept that it was in the best interest of my healing process not to go to the funeral. That does not mean that I could not have a moment of reflection that day, to say a pray for her and her family. And I can always go to her grave to pay my respects if I decided. I have not done that yet. Maybe one day I will. Only time will tell.
It was bittersweet that the day of Aunt Blair’s funeral my grandson Lincoln was born. It was definitely a day of healing and realizing that life and death are so close. Don’t take it for granted that bitterness does not go unresolved. I always have to work on it.
Take Care Much Love
