Regret- a feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over something that has happened or been done:
I think we all think about things that happen in our lives and reflect on the good bad and ugly.
Regret is different than just reflecting. Regret consumes you. Regret makes you think you are a bad person for those things that have happened.
Regret is like a snake that wraps itself around you and then constricts the life out of you. I know I need to really grab ahold of the feeling of regret and remove it from my life so it does not constrict or control my life anymore.
I think the first step to do this is to making those things transparent and sharing them with you. (Some of these I have not ever told anyone until today) I know longer want to have regrets in my life.
So here we go:
-Flipping off my Busia when I was 13. REGRET: I disrespected my grandma. The major regret came from my DJIA-DJIA not allowing me to forget it for the rest of my life. I was blocked from going to her funeral a few years after that. So this had a hold on me because of someone else perception of me and not the fact I was a rebellious teenager that was acting out. This happened over 35 years ago. I just need to let it go.
-When I was stationed in Korea I stayed the night at this guy’s room. It was a male barracks and I needed to pee. So I decided to relieve myself on his carpet. I figured no one would ever know. Well, the next time I saw this guy he mentioned it. I was mortified. I never saw him in an intimate way after that. But I worked with him and even got stationed at Fort Riley with him. I still think about this to this day some 29 years later. Its like evidence that I throw at myself as proof that I am not a good person because 29 years ago I peed on some guys carpet. No one else probably holds onto this so why am I. I may not have made a good decision but that does not make me a bad person.
-Not finishing out my 20 years. I no longer regret that. Because if I focus on the 6 years I did not do I fail to see the 14 years I did do
-Going back to Dennis after leaving California. If I would have never married him my girls would not have known him and would not have the memories of abuse. I feel like my girls had a hard childhood because of my selfish desires of not being alone. But after leaving their dad I feel I showed them how to stand on your own 2 feet and not needing someone else to give you validation.
As I type this up that the only regrets I should have are the opportunities that were not take. I should not regret an instant decision to flip off my grandma, or peeing on someones carpet. Getting out of the Army after 14 years or marrying Dennis are decisions that I felt were the best at the time.
Leaving the Army was what I needed to make myself a better person. Marrying Dennis was my hearts hope of being a family. It failed. I need to pick up the pieces and move on. I have been trying to do that for the last 13 years.
All the things I shared as regrets have happened over 10 years ago. I feel like I have learned from holding on to these things. Now I evaluate my choices and move on. “Okay that was not a good decision how can I use it as a life lesson”
I have realized that holding onto regrets keep me stuck in the past and blurs my vision of the present and future. I have 2 daughters and an awesome grandson that I need to enjoy. I ain’t got time to regret anymore. I know I still need to process these things. I do look forward to the day I look back on my life and regret nothing.
To GOD Be The GLORY. Take Care. Much Love
