As a parent, you realized that there are certain things that you may decide not to tell your children until that are at a certain maturity level. That was my intention when it came to my sexual traumas. I figured they would be of adult age when I sat them down and told them about my past.
Unfortunately, that did not happen the way I hoped. When Bethanie was 9 and Lilie was 7 we were relying on public transportation a lot. I started to have panic attacks on the bus. One day we were on the bus. All of a sudden the bus became crowded in the downtown area. I started to panic the next stop was our stop. I was growing more anxious as the bus was getting closer to the bus stop. When the bus finally stopped I ran off the bus. It was at that moment that I realized that I was in such a panic that I did not realize that I left my girls on the bus.
Luckily there were other patrons that realized that the doors shut before the girls got off the bus, yelled at the driver and he let the girls off the bus. After the girls safely got off the bus I realized that my PTSD was spiraling out of control.
I needed to get a handle on it. I start to realize that I needed to get some help. I sought out my Primary Care Provider and he got me into with a program for stress. My girls began to ask questions about the time on the bus. I don’t lie to my girls so I chose to tell them about my past and how it effects.
It was not totally my choice to tell them. But I felt I would rather them find out quietly sitting down instead of through a panic attack. They did not fully grasp it at the time. But over time they would understand first hand when I would struggle in public. Part of me felt like a failure as a parent because it was them protecting me in public. They were the ones that were holding my hand through a crowd. That was really interesting during their teen years when they did not want to even claim they had a mom and then here I was holding on to their belt loop. LOL
I am not sure if they ever disclosed to their friends why I held onto their belt loop. I just know they handled the situations with respect. I am very proud of my girls for displaying empathy and sympathy. Take Care Much Love
