I have always heard the term “backseat driver” And I never considered that a saying to describe myself as a passenger in a vehicle.
That all changed in an instant. What’s crazy is nothing crazy happened. No speeding or crazy driver. An accident did not happen.
I vividly remember me and BG had been married about 3 months and we were taking our first road trip together to meet each others family. It ws about 14 hours from Fort Riley Kansas to Dayton Ohio. I distinctly remember being somewhere in the middle of Missouri.
I decided to take a nap. So I lean my seat back and put he blanket over my head. And then it happened. I startled awake ( I honestly don’t think I was asleep) I snap my seat in an upright position, grab the handle and start telling BG how to drive.
My heart was beating so fast, my throat was dry and my head started to tingle. As I write this I realize that was my first anxiety/panic attack. As I started to write this I had an AHA moment.
I feel like the main trigger for this panic attack was this was about 8 months after my gang rape. Up until this road trip I had been totally in control of everything that was going on.
I decided to pursue a relationship with BG. I decided to get engaged to BG and to marry him. But being in a car with someone else driving sparked a fear inside me.
Allowing BG to drive that car was taking the control away from me. I had no say in how fast we were going, how we would pass other cars or make any decisions behind the wheel.
That fear did not go away when I divorced him. It continued with Dennis, my friends, family and even with my daughters. I just realized that it even goes deeper than just not being in control.
I think an underlying issue is “Does this driver value me enough to ensure my safety. Will they take care of me and protect me. That right there is DEEP.
It is so hard for me to LET GO and LET GOD. To believe that he will protect me and allow me to prosper. That he has put good and trustworthy people in my life to look out for me and to protect me.
It is so hard for me to let go and let Jesus take the wheel.
To GOD Be The GLORY. Take Care. Much Love
