We all have endured the end of a relationship rather it be from a mutual breakup, infidelity or a sudden death. We have all lost someone close to us.
Is there a “standard” time that we should have to process/mourn the end of a relationship before we move onto a new relationship?
I have a work friend who’s spouse cheated on them. The divorce was not even official before she was on dating websites and spending time with someone as more than friends. I by no means am judging someone else.
I am even looking at myself in those situations. I basically cheated on my first husband when I gave up on our marriage. The man I cheated with ended up being my second husband. And actually, he was pursuing a relationship with another woman before our divorce was final.
I even had a few one night stands after my divorce. I now realized that because I was hurting so much I went out searching for someone to love me, appreciate or even just care for me. But every one of those flings, or one night stands still left me empty. I luckily realized this after just a few cycles of this. I actually think I could have Rinsed and Repeated for the rest of my life hoping that one day it would be different. I now realized that I needed time to heal before expecting happiness from someone else.
It’s funny I saw a cheesy movie a few years after my divorce. Fortunately or unfortunately I can’t remember the title of it. LOL But seriously there was a powerful scene that I still remember from the movie. The leading female character had caught her boyfriend cheating on her. Her friends take her out to a bar to help her forget. They are talking about when is the perfect time to move on. It was mentioned that the “formula” is you take the amount of time you were in the relationship and divide it in half and that is when you are emotionally ready to move on.
As cheesy as the movie was I do somewhat believe in that formula. For example, I was in a relationship with Dennis for about 12 years. So that would mean that I would be “ready” for another relationship in 6 years. 2012 would be that year. That was 5 years ago. LOL, But seriously I am still okay with not being in a relationship yet. Because not only did I need to heal from my relationship with Dennis, I needed to heal from my relationship with BG since I went from one relationship to the next. And more importantly, I needed to heal from my past traumas since I kept them in the closet for so long.
When my relationship with Dennis ended I realized that we had so many memories that I needed time to move on from. To make sure I was not stuck in. There was also hurt and healing I needed to process and move on from. Actually, when we divorced 11 years ago I had a large Priority Mail box of memories of our relationship. Things I just was not ready to get rid of. So about once a year I look through the box. I decide what to do with the items in the box. ie: Throw away something, burn something, even shred others things or keep it. I just decide what actions I would feel better doing with each item. That memory box is now about the size of a 9×12 envelope. There are not a lot of items left. I have done a lot of healing. I look forward to not having any items left.
I truly believe that I am getting closer to being able to be open to a new relationship. I want to feel loved by someone else. But I know that I need to be loved by me before I can be loved by someone else.
Take Care. Much Love.
