Session 3
As I have mentioned before going through PE Therapy has revealed many things to me.
This blog will be the first of those things and I feel like this was a HUGE road block that had to be removed.
There is something that I have resisted in sharing about my gang rape. Partially because it is hard to share. Partially because I have been ashamed to share it with anyone.
The night the gang rape happened…
I was drunk
WOW that was so hard to say.
For the past 11 years of therapy I have always shared my story by saying that I had only one beer. I mainly said that because I did not want to be judged or criticize. I did not want anyone justifying why I was gang raped.
“Well you were drunk so you were probably flirting”
“You got raped because you let yourself get drunk”
No matter what others say I have to listen to the voice inside of me and GOD’s word.
“No matter what I was wearing, if I was flirting or if I was drunk” I did not deserve to be gang raped.” Nothing justifies being raped
What I am about to say I am not sharing it to justify or hopefully have people understand about the fact that I was drunk. I am sharing it in hopes to help others come to terms with details of their traumas.
As I have shared in the post about my gang rape I walked into that barracks room and realize that there were 12 male soldiers and myselfr in that room. My instant reaction was to leave because I was the only female. But I quickly reassured myself that I was safe.
So I did have an initial beer. But I did not casually drink it. I slammed it down quickly. I was hoping that it would wash away the fear and doubt that was running through my mind and body at the moment.
That first beer did not help wash away the fear and doubt. So I continued to slam down at least 3 more beers within an hour just hoping that soon the fear and doubt would disappear.
As I began to finally relax and let down my wall that is when I heard the words that would change my life forever
‘LOCK THE DOOR”
After my first PE Therapy session where I basically went back in time and said
I was drunk
I went home and laid in bed for the rest of the night. I was emotionally exhausted. I cried in my pillow and cuddled with my puppy.
That session was very hard. That session was over 6 weeks ago. Each week I tell my gang rape story at least 2 times in each session. It does not get easier to describe the events of the night.
So I have realize that it does not matter if I was drunk, or I was flirting or even giving lap dances. If I could not answer the question “Are you drunk” then I am not able to be in control of what was happening to me. IT WAS NOT MY FAULT AT ALL
I am able to realize that this is part of my journey. It does not define me. I have allowed it to refine me so that I can become the woman that GOD wants me to be.
To GOD Be The GLORY. Take Care Much Love
