A few months ago I was talking to a patient that was very anxious to get discharged. He said 8 simple words that ignited a fire and some thought deep in my soul. He said “I just want to go to my home”
That was such a simple statement but for me it got me thinking. I have not had a place that I feel totally comfortable calling “My Home” I am not talking about officially buying a home. I am talking about having a place that I have completely choosen.
- As a child I lived in My Parents Home,
- In the Army, I went where I was told
- In Marriage I went where my spouse was
- After my relationships ended I went to where I felt I had support
- After my 2nd divorce I had to go where there was shelter
- While my girls were in school I went to where they could get a good education.
I had a friend who once shared with me after a recent move that in her previous apartment she did not decorate because she did not feel it was home. So when I moved into my recent apartment 3 1/2 years ago I remember what she said. I was feeling like this place was “home” I really loved the apartment. I started feeling the passion to decorate. I did do some initial decorating. But I have not continued it throughout the house.
After that patients statement I realized that sure I chose this apartment, yet it was not completely “my home” I am in my current city and state because this is where I wanted my girls to graduate high school. This is where I sought refudge after I left Dennis in California.
I am realizing it is not where my heart is. It has done its purpose of providing me refuge, shelter, and support. Yet I have not been able to just plop down and really feel my heart have the butterflies and just feel rest and comfort. I feel like my heart has been pumping really hard to find the rest comfort.
From the time my oldest daughter started high school over 7 years ago I made it known that as soon as my youngest graduated I would be moving from Dayton Ohio to find some where else to settle down at. Lilie graduated high school almost 2 years ago yet I am still here LOL.
I feel like I have become complacent. “If it ain’t broke don’t fix it” But I also realized I am like that deep-rooted tree outside the kitchen window. It looks pretty but it is destroying the foundation of the home. So I am currently in the process of uprooting that tree and finding some fresh soil to replant it.
My lease is up at my current apartment in July 2018. I am challenging myself to find a new City & State to call home. I am praying and hopeful that I will finally be able to call somewhere “My Home”
