I won’t say I have a close easy relationship with my dad. I have always had to work hard at it. I am okay with that. Because I want to know I have tried everything I can to have a relationship with him.
Because I had not seen my dad in 5 years since he lives near St Louise I decided to go see him before moving to Charleston. I thought I did not have any expectations. I figured we would hang out, just spend time together and of course go to the casino boat since my dad gambles.
Soon after arriving I realized that I did have expectations. Or more like hopes. I had hoped my dad was different from the last time I saw him. That is a huge expectation to have especially since my dad has been pretty much the same person for my entire life. Very distant. Not very emotional. Not a huge conversationalist.
I realized the 12-year-old girl who never got affirmation, validation or true love from her dad was hoping that this trip would have some of these things. She wanted to just spend time talking and spending time.
In my mind, I had no expectations. But my heart had so many desires and hopes. I left my dads after about a day and a half. So broken hearted and empty. There was a situation that came up while I was there, he ended up lashing out at me. It took me back to my childhood when he would always criticize me and rarely praise me.
I was so hurt during the interaction with my dad. I realized that I need to set boundaries for my relationship with my dad. I need to ensure that I have healthy relationships in my life even if that means that I have a limited relationship with my dad.
I realized that I have been so hungry for a relationship with my dad that I have accepted whatever it is I get from him. It’s like being so hungry for food that you eat spoiled and rotten food. Sure its food but it has no nutritional value. All it is going to do is make you sick.
I have also realized that even when I say I don’t have expectations I really do have hopes and desires that I want to have fulfilled. I just need to realize what they are before going into a situation so I can have the right mindset
To GOD Be The GLORY
Take Care. Much Love
