Yesterday’s post I talked about the hardest assignment I did for “The Courage To Heal” workbook. That assignment was to write a letter to my dad. To be honest, once I wrote that letter 8 years ago. I ignited a flame inside of me that I did not know I had.
I started thinking more and more about confronting my dad. Not just writing him a letter but looking at his face to face and letting it all out. I mentioned this desire to my therapist and she point blank asked me “What do you want from that encounter” I told her that after me telling my dad how he had hurt me I expected my dad to be laying on the floor in the fetal position, crying his eyes out, and begging me for forging. She then said “What happens if you don’t get that”
That response took me off guard. Because in my mind when I confronted my dad it would be a given that he would be remorse. With the help of my therapist, I realized that my dad has always been stone cold emotionless in life so it would not be practical to expect him to show emotion in the situation.
So I held onto what my therapist had said for a while. I was beginning to plan a trip to see my dad for his 70th birthday. So as that date got closer I told my therapist I was thinking about talking to my dad on the trip about my feelings. I also told my therapist that it was not set in stone. This trip was to encourage my dad so if the subject somehow came up I would talk to him but it was not a plan. If I came home from that trip without talking to him I was okay with that.
So I made that trip to see my dad almost 5 years ago. There actually was an opportunity to speak to him. My girls were at a church event. It was me and him. He had expressed some frustration he had with me during the trip. So not in retaliation. But in the fact that we were sharing our feeling with each other I decided to talk to my dad about how I felt.
Before I actually began with how I felt. I did a pre-warning. I told my dad I had something to talk to him about and that I would appreciate him not interrupting. I asked him to please allow me to speak and he could have an opportunity to say whatever he wanted after I was done.
My dad sat there in complete silence as I told him that I was made and hurt at him. I told him that he did not protect. Not necessarily at the moment but even when he found out about it. I told him that it hurt me that he never apologized or even had remorse. I told him that I did not expect for him to take responsibility that it happened. I just wished he would have been broken and apologize that those things happened.
After I said everything I had to say my dad opened up his mouth and said these 17 words that would let me know how he felt. “That is all in the past, there is nothing I can do or say about it now.” At that moment I was so glad that my therapist prepared me for reality. It did kind of sting when he said those words. But I also accepted them.
Because ultimately my expectation for that encounter was for my dad to sit there, not say a word and just hear what I had to say. And he did exactly that. We have not spoken about that encounter anymore. The next day was his birthday and I did my best to encourage him.
That encounter did change our relationship for the best. I feel like my dad does listen to me more now when I call. He has given more of himself than he did before that encounter. I expected forgiveness from that encounter. I did not get that forgiveness. But what I did get was a renewed relationship with my dad. And for that, I am very grateful for. I said what I had to say and I have forgiven my dad.
Take Care. Much Love.
