Dream Mom

Most women when they were little girls they dreamed about their wedding and what they were going to wear what their husband look like or whatever. But for me what I dreamed about was one day being a mom. And that dream continued to get bigger after I found out that I couldn’t have children naturally.
I dream to be the type of mom that made cookies for my kids, did crafts, cooked homemade dinners Just the mom that was always there and always present in their children’s lives.
So, when I found out GOD had a different plan and I had two amazing daughters I was excited. I would finally be able to be the mom I dreamed to be.
But because of my PTSD I was the zoned-out mom. I was the mom that barely was present. The mom who barely cooked for their kids usually they ate macaroni and cheese or cereal for dinner.
I just felt like I was a mediocre mom because I was trying to zone out from the reality of my traumas, I desensitize myself and really wasn’t too connected to my girls the way that I always dreamed, and you’re earned to be.
I felt like a failure. I felt like my girls deserved a tuned in, present mom. I could sit her for days reciting the would’ve could’ve and should’ve but. But I can’t beat myself up. I did the best I could with what I had at the time.
Now that I am in a healthy place in my life, I can do my best to be that dream mom now. I strive to send Bethanie and Lincoln care packages as much as I can. And since I am staying with Lilie for right now I try to make her lunch or something special when I can.
I can’t look backwards because that’s not where I am going.
To GOD Be The GLORY. Take Care. Much Love.