Damaged Goods
About 11 years ago I was having some female health issues. One of the options was to have a hysterectomy. My doctor was on board and we were going forward with scheduling the date. But something happened with my insurances, so it became obvious that it was not going to happen.
So, during that timeframe, I had a revelation that maybe subconsciously I was wanting to have the hysterectomy because I wanted to get rid of “damaged goods” That was something I had to process and deal with.
In my mind “my female organs” were “damaged” because of the sexual traumas that happened to me. I felt like I was damaged and not useful because of my traumas. So, in my subconscious, I wanted to get rid of the damaged goods so that I would no longer be damaged.
I now realize that #1 I am not damaged, and my female organs are not damaged. Traumas did happen to me, but they do not make me damaged. It took me a long time to really process that I am not damaged. My traumas do not define me. My traumas do not describe who I am. They are part of my past, but they do not totally define who I am.
This has been a continual process. Twice more in the past 11 years, there have been situations that came up that there was a passivity off having a hysterectomy and again I had to re-examine the subject. Both times it was decided that a hysterectomy was not necessary.
Then last year it was decided that I needed to have an ovary and fallopian tube removed. So again, I had to examine my motive. “Do I want to remove these parts because I feel like they are damaged. But I determined that I was wanting this surgery because it was needed, and it would relieve me of the physical pain I had to endure.
It is ironic that as the closer the surgery got I began to have feelings of “losing” my womanhood. That I would no longer be a complete woman. Yes, GOD gave us the body we have but it is not the inner organs that define us. Rather our heart, mind, and emotions.
It is crazy how life changes can really make you reflect on motives and reason. I am not damaged, and I am not defined by my past. And my past does not determine my future. Take Care. Much Love.
