I have always heard that you can’t build a structure on a cracked foundation. Even the smallest of a hairline crack in the foundation can cause issues. I feel this can be true in our lives. If we don’t have the best foundation we can struggle through life trying to build our lives solid. Our foundation comes from being built up at home with love, grace, encouragement, compassion, faith & determination.
For me, I feel like I had a hairline crack in my foundation from the get go. My dad could be very critical. Not really giving a lot of validation or encouragement. I longed for approval from him. I decided to play soccer because he was a coach and I thought he would love me more if I did something he liked. But I felt like a hamster on a wheel, trying very hard but getting nowhere.
As far back as I can remember my dad would yell, scream, curse & call me names. “Dumb a$$”, “dip$#!t”, “dummy” were names he would bark at me to get my attention or for me to do something. I remember countlessly hearing my dad say, “You are dumb, fat, stupid & ugly” I soon began to believe it. I believe my dad wanted me to walk the straight and narrow. For when he said “Jump” he wanted me to ask how high. But what it did instead was have me walk around on pins & needles. I just wanted my dad to be happy with me, to be proud of me, or to see him smile. For decades, I tried so hard to hopefully know that I made him happy.
That hairline crack began to get bigger with every storm I endured. After a time, the life I was trying to build on came crashing done. I laid amongst the rubble for a while and realized that all I could do was dig up that foundation and start new. Pour a new slab, repair the damages, and rebuild. So that is what I am doing now. I long for the day that I can stand back and look at what I have built with my life.
I don’t 100% blame my dad for all the traumas in my life. I do feel that if my dad would have taught me to believe in myself and stand up for myself I would not have had the thought process that “I deserve bad things to happen to me because I am dumb, fat, ugly & stupid” I would have broken the chains of a cracked foundation.
Many times, I have heard my dad mention that his dad was verbally abusive to him. I can validate the hurt he felt, what I can’t validate is my dad continuing that cycle of verbal abuse. I feel he had the choice of not continuing that cycle. When I was raising my girls and they did something I did not like I heard my dad’s voice in my head, I stopped that voice from coming out of my mouth. Instead, I made sure that I reminded my girls that I loved them, I may not be happy with their decisions but ultimately, I still loved them and was proud of them.
Growing up I always heard the saying “Stick & Stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” I totally disagree with that. Bruises will fade, but those words will ring in my head when I attempt to do something. Those seeds of doubt can sprout up quickly. It takes a lot to destroy those seeds and not allow them to get re-rooted.
My foundation/relationship with my dad has weathered the storms. Many conversations ended with someone hanging up. One thing I ensured to do was make sure I said I love you before it got too heated. We have come a long way in our relationship. It has not been easy. There has been a lot of blood, sweat & tears to get to where we are now. I have learned that standing up to my dad is not disrespecting him it is respecting myself and letting him know I will not allow him to talk to me that way.
