Connection by a phone call.
My dad has never been a phone talker. I remember growing up he only called his parents about once a month. So, for about 12 years of my adult life I kind of kept that “schedule” Not really a schedule but more like “hmm have not talked to dad in a while. Let me call him” And that is what I would do. Just call to let him know how my life was going. I had hoped for just some chit-chat, catch up on each other’s life until another phone call in a few weeks. But that is not how it went. It was almost like reporting to a supervisor. I would rattle off how my girls were and then I would hear my dad yell “What else you got” I struggled with this for so long.
Is it possible just to chit-chat with him? I would get off the phone so frustrated that the phone call did not go as I had hoped. I just hoped to just feel a connection. A warm fuzzy or two. Sometimes when I would realize I had not talked to him in a while I would almost take a deep breath and think if I was ready to go through the roll-call of informing him of what was going on in my life.
Those monthly phone calls changed without intention. On Sundays, after church, I had about 20 minutes in the car before getting home so I would just call to see how he was doing. Well, I guess one week I “forgot” to call on Sunday. I called a few days later and my dad started barking saying “You’re late. You usually call on Sundays” I kind of chuckled because I did not realize that I was now calling him once a week.
And if I did not call him on Sunday he would say “You’re late” At first it bothered me that he was always barking at me. Because respect is a big thing with my dad I was always afraid to talk back. But I realize I am a grown adult. I am not going off on him or anything I am just sticking up for myself. Something I could not do growing up.
He also likes to harass me if I call him more than every 7 days. And I will bark back “There is nothing on my birth certificate that says I can only call you every 7 days. So, I will call whenever I want”
That’s exactly what I continue to do. I bark back at him and stick up for myself. My go-to saying is “the phone goes both ways. If I don’t call you. You can call me” I still call my dad about once a week. I don’t beat myself up if it is 8 days or 4 days between phone calls.
I still strive to have a relationship with my dad. I just have realized that I must meet my dad where he is. I have lowered my expectations of our relationship and that has helped me so much to not beat myself up. All I can do is love my dad the only way I know and I am okay with that. I have also realized that I love my dad but I can not allow him to continue to cause me emotional stress like when I was a kid. My relationship with my dad can be very difficult, but I am not willing to give up on it. I love him and I love myself too much for that to happen
Take Care Much Love
