I thought once I was treated for Venereal Warts after my gang rape I would be able to leave that trauma in the past. But unfortunately, I would have to heal many times from that trauma. About 4 years after my gang rape I was pregnant. At the beginning of my pregnancy, they did an annual exam. At my next visit, I vaguely remember them tell me that my pap smear came back abnormal. They would have to redo the test after I delivered my daughter. I don’t really remember acknowledging or even understanding what that meant. I was so excited to be having a baby that I forgot about having to do another pap smear.
So, at my 8-week postpartum appointment, I had another pap smear done. A few weeks later I got a phone telling me that the second pap smear came back abnormal also. I was told that I needed to come in and have an appointment with a specialist.
I was not too concerned. I figured maybe being pregnant might have caused both pap smears to be abnormal. But reality set in when I was sitting down with a nurse and she was asking me all the questions. “Does Cervical Cancer run in your family” “Have you ever had Cervical Cancer before” It finally dawned on me that this was serious. I had pre-cancerous cells of the cervix. The nurse started asking about my sex life and if I have ever had a Sexually transmitted disease. I reluctantly told her that I had contracted Venereal Warts while in the army (I did not disclose about the gang rape)
She went on to explain about Human Papillomavirus (HPV) It is a virus that you can get from having an STD. There is a strand that you will continue to have symptoms of an STD and another strand that you will be susceptible to Cervical Cancer. This was the strand I had. Finding out about this diagnosis brought that monster in the closet back up. I thought I could hide him but he started banging on the door.
I ended up having to have a LEEP procedure done. Basically, they vaginally inserted the electric wire inside and burned out the pre-cancerous cells. It hit me so hard having this done when my baby was about 2 months old. The reality of life hit me. Would I get Cervical Cancer and must fight for my life? The nurse explained that I would have to get a pap smear done every 3 months. Once I had 2 comebacks normal then I would have to have them done every 6 months until 2 came back normal. Then I could finally get them done annually.
Over the next 10 years, I had 3 more abnormal pap smears and had to have more LEEP procedures done to remove the pre-cancerous cells. Every time I had to get a pap smear I dreaded that day. I always wondered if this would be one of the times that I would find out that I had pre-cancerous cells again. There was one time I woke up in total panic. I did not want to go to my appointment. I called my friend Cee-Cee crying. She offered to go to the appointment with me. I told her that would be great. I knew it would be too awkward for her to be in the room with me during the procedure. So, I told her that she could just wait in the waiting room. I felt relieved to have her near me. It has been about 7 years since my last abnormal Pap smear. I never take it for granted but I still embrace having the thumbs up.
I had hoped to leave my sexual trauma in the past, yet every time I have to go in for a paps smear or a LEEP procedure my past begins to creep up on me. I refuse to be defined by the crime that was committed and allow it to continually replay in my head. I have used it as a life lesson. A few years ago there was a lot of media around the Gardisal immunization to be given to teenage girls to prevent HPV. I really had to question if I wanted my girls to get this shot and what my reason would be. I wanted them to get the shot to take as many preventative measures as I could. I had to remind myself I was protecting them the best way I could. I don’t regret it at all.
Much Love Take Care.
