The Baggage I Keep **Possible Triggers** **Graphic & Mature Descriptions**

I promised myself that I would always be open and honest when posting to my blog. Somethings are hard to share and others may seem like TMI Too Much Information. This is going to be both. I feel like I have always had a negative view of sex. Especially since I had 2 sexual traumas before I even lost my virginity. In therapy, I wrote down every interaction I had with the subject of sex to try and identify where my struggles come from. I have had some positive interactions. I don’t feel it is necessary to share those. I share the negative to help me and hopefully to help others realize even the “little” things can be big in our lives.
1. 6 years old to 10 years old Because my dad was so vocal and open about sex I found myself confused about this actions. Sex was so freely spoke about. I never saw many true examples of intimacy (my parents holding hands, kissing, my dad opening the door for my mom or even pet names) It was embedded in my head that sex was an act and not a feeling of intamcy
2. 10 years old-13 years old when we visited our family in Ohio and remember my Papaw caressing my arm and legs when I would sit on his lap. Again I do not remember him doing anything wrong but it gave me mixed messages. Should a grandparent be “caressing” a grandchild in an extremely affectionate way?
3. 10 years old molested by a family friend. I felt dirty because I enjoyed the touch. It was a mixed message. My body said it was a good thing. But my mind knew that it was wrong.
4. 13 years old raped by a cousin. I felt betrayed by a family member. I felt like I could not trust family.
5. 16 years old contracted trichomoniasis from the guy I lost my virginity to. I felt like I could not trust anyone. I choose this guy to lose my virginity to and he ultimately stabbed me in my emotional heart. I learned to not trust anyone. This is when I began disassociated myself from intimacy and it was just sex, just an act.
6. 17 years old made out with a 27 years old veteran in an elevator at the VA while I was visiting a family friend. This might be another reason I do not like the VA hospital.
7. 17 years old fondled by my Prom date. He was a mutual friend. I needed a prom date and he agreed to take me. I was not interested in him. I felt like we were just friends. But I feel “Dana can never just be friends with a guy there is always something sexual.” This solidified my thought that men only saw me as a sex object. No feelings or emotions.
8. 18 years old When I first got stationed in Korea I met a guy and started dating him. He cheated on me. I did not feel like his girlfriend. Just a sex object with money.
9. 18-19 years old I heard cat calls everywhere I went at Camp Humphreys. Feeling like a sex object.
10. 19 years old Gang raped at Camp Humphreys. Molestation caused me to not trust family friends. Rape caused me to not trust family. Gang Rape caused me to not trust soldiers. So at that point, I basically trusted no one.
11. 19 years old found out I had contracted Genital Warts from the gang rape. Part of me had hoped that the first guy that raped me had the Genital Warts and everyone that raped me afterward had contracted it. Over the years I have spoken to medical professionals that have said that an STD has to be dormant in your body for 72 hours before it can be passed to another person. I still struggle with a vengeance.
12. When I was dating BG I “made” out with a guy. I felt so guilty. I loved BG so much. This made me feel like I screw up every good thing that came my way. He forgave me but I never did forgive myself.
13. 25 years old Found out that I had the HPV from contracting Genital Warts. I had the strand that causes me to have pre-cancerous cells of the cervix. I have had it 3 times over 20 years. I felt like I could not escape my past.
14. 26 years old Had sex in the front of a Ryder Truck at a rest stop (I felt like a whore) Again I felt like a sex object. Dennis pressured me into it so I felt so uncomfortable with it.
15. 36 years old Dennis told Gerdy(his girlfriend) about the Ryder truck sex. I felt betrayed by him. That was a private thing between the two of us. It proves he did not value our relationship. I had already not felt comfortable with the situation so him telling her was like the nail in the coffin.
16. 36 years old After the divorce I had 3 one nights stands. I was a participant. I had hoped I would find love. But it left me empty and feeling dirty. Luckily I realized quickly how empty I still felt and was able to break the chains.
17. I look forward to my future, the brother that GOD puts in my life. I am so hopeful that I can leave all this negative association with sex in the past and not bring it into yet another relationship. To me this has been my emotional baggage I carry through my life. I am tired of having all this baggage. Just want to leave it on the corner for the garbage. Take Care Much Love.