Because of the way I grew up I did not have healthy examples of love. So I think I grabbed onto the first thing I found hoping it would be love. And when I realized it may not be I convinced myself that maybe it would one day or someday magically turn into love.
I realize that there are different types of love. I think I have loved people with the different types of love. But I now realize that I may not have ever been in love. Not only do you love that person but they also love you in return for that deep love.
To prepare for this post I went to the most reliable source I know. GOOGLE. I looked at more than one article and combined it into the following
- You focus on someone else’s happiness, not just your own when you are in love.
- You do not need to share all the same interests to be in love.
- You can be yourself with the person you love, and love them for being themselves as well.
- You may feel “addicted” to them when they aren’t around.
- Know that loving someone doesn’t mean you never fight.
- The other person knows that you will always be there for them, no matter what
- You want to spend time together, it does not feel like an obligation.
- Love should be a naturally occurring process that evolves gradually and never forced.
After gathering this info I can say that I never was in love with Dennis. I cared for him. I had moments of feelings for him when he did certain things. He did give me butterflies sometimes. I had hoped if I focused on his happiness it would be given in return. But it felt like it was more of an obligation for him so that never made me feel validated. I think the “addiction” feeling I had was more insecurity in feeling important. I definitely don’t think our relationship came naturally. It seemed like it was forced. I will say we had a great beginning of amazing dates. But when the glitter ended there was not much there.
I think BG was the closest person I have been in love with. Many of the above descriptions were there in our relationship. But because he was the first relationship I had after my gang rape I feel like I was not receptive to what he was giving me.
I am definitely open to the possibility of falling into love with someone. But I am not rushing anything. I will continue to be faithful that GOD has a plan for me and just wait for it to unfold.
Take Care. Much Love
