When Bethanie was about 3 years old and Lilie was about 1 ½ we were going through yet another financial struggle where Dennis was not working and were a far way off from making ends meet. I had 2 girls in diapers and I had no money for diapers.
One Saturday I was at my wits end of how to get money for diapers. Dennis would be livid if I was to ask his family for money or even to buy diapers. I realized the girls had a room full of toys they no longer used. So, I decided that I would take those toys to the consignment store to get money for diapers. I felt horrible doing it but I knew I was doing it for my girls.
So, I packed the girls in the car and put the toys in the front seat. I told the girls that we had to sell their toys. So, I get in the car and Lilie reached forward to touch the toys. Bethanie yells out “No Lilie those are not our toys anymore” My stomach dropped. I sat there and cried for a minute and then made it to the store.
I unloaded the girls and the toys, went to the store and put the toys on the counter. A few minutes later I go back up to the counter. They tell me for all those toys I was going to get less than $20. WHAT??? That was not even going to buy one pack of diapers. I completely lost it. The offer was not enough to buy diapers but I had to take it.
During those moments of talking to myself in my head, another mom walked by and saw me crying. She asked if I was okay. I explained to her the whole story of my boyfriend not having a job, trying to make ends meet and not having enough money for diapers. Without a second thought, she reached into her purse and handed me enough money to get some diapers and have a little left over. I was so grateful to this woman for having the heart to help me in a hard time.
I got through that hard time but even in the 18 years since that time I have thought about that time and still get that feeling in my stomach of a hard time in my life. I can still think of myself as a bad mom. “What mom would sell their children’s toys with them around” Sure it was not the ideal situation. But you know I must remind myself “I did it for my girls” “I sold toys that they had outgrown” “I did not do it for me but for my family” I believe and know that I did the best I could with what I had for my family. So, I need to stop being stuck in that moment and find the good in the situation. I could be vulnerable and was able to complete the mission of getting diapers.
I think what causes me to get stuck is connecting with the emotions and feelings of a situation instead of trying to be factual. Not to disconnect myself and not feel but instead not allow my emotions to control my perspective of a situation. Take Care Much Love
