My dad is a man of few words. 3 words I longed to hear from him was “I love you” These are simple words but spoken from the person we long to hear them from can mean so much.
When I was 14 years old, my parents were going through a very ugly divorce. Many words were spoken but they were not words of love and encouragement. I and my mom moved about 300 miles away from the base my dad was stationed at in California. My dad would come see and take me to the Dream Bucket List places. Disneyland, Knox Berry Farms, Universal Studio and more. These were the places kids my age would love to go to. Don’t get me wrong they were awesome. I appreciated my dad making the trip every other weekend and planning these trips. I just still felt empty. Usually, actions speak louder than words. But in this situation, I just wanted to hear those 3 words. It got to the point that I gave up on the hope that I would hear him say those simple words.
During this time I would talk to my dad on the phone a few times a week. This was back in the day when you would have to pay per minute for a long distance call. So the conversation was usually an update, How I was doing in school, anything else going on. So I got use to not getting long winded. Just give him the information and get off the phone quickly.
I was on the phone with him one day, I got the feeling that my dad was realizing that his marriage was ending and our time was pretty limited. So I was saying goodbye to my dad, there was a silence and then I heard him say “DinK’ I replied with “Yes Sir” It was silent for a moment and then he said “I Love You” My heart dropped. I said it quickly back to him I wish there was a way to have recorded it. Because I did not know if I would ever hear him say those words again. Luckily I remember the emotion from that day to hold on to
After that phone call, I got a little braver and would say it back to him. He began to say it more. I would deposit each of them into the empty jar that was within my soul. I was hoping he would say it enough to fill it up that jar that had been empty for over a decade. I soon realized that I would never be able to fill that jar from the empty pass. I just needed to fill it from today. That has been a hard lesson but a valuable lesson.
I have also learned that to fill that jar I have to deposit love to myself. It is great to get love from others. But every time I go to withdrawal some love it will soon be empty But if I deposit self-love it will remain with love in it. I always thought the right person to say I Love you was my dad. But actually, it is me. I am the most important person to hear I love you from. Because if I don’t love myself first anyone else’s love will not stick. It will be like trying to put duct tape on a wet pool toy. Usually, duct tape will stick to anything but not to a wet surface. So it is my job to dry that surface and make sure that duct tape will stick.
